The Love of Good Friday

3 Apr

Good Friday holds a special place in my heart. Obviously, because this is the day my Savior, Jesus Christ, surrendered his life for me, but also because I know how much he loved ME and how much he would be there for me through everything. It was on Good Friday 3 years ago that I was told I had cancer. I felt at that moment that God chose that day for a reason. It gave me so much peace. He was telling me how much he loved me. Whether I lived or died from this cancer he would be there for me….because he had been there for me before. AND HE WAS there for me. 3 years later I am cancer free and I had such a special time getting to know him so much more during the journey. It was such a blessing. It was a hard and painful journey, but I was blessed through it. It was worth the journey.

If you don’t believe that Jesus Christ died for you or you just are not sure what to believe….pray to God and ask Him to reveal the truth to you. He will do it. The life of a Christian isn’t an easy one, but we are guaranteed that no matter what we go through God is with us. No matter what we’ve done He loves us and will save us if we only ask him.

One of my favorite verses is:

“He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart [protection].”

This is a picture of God gathering us up under his wings and protecting us from harm if we seek refuge with him. If you have time, read what John Piper says about Ruth seeking refuge under God’s wings. It is such a beautiful picture of our God.

On Easter we will celebrate the resurrection of Jesus. Hebrews 4:14-16 says:

“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”

Jesus is in Heaven with the Father and he intercedes on our behalf when we pray. Jesus was all human. He knows how hard this life on earth is. He knows the weakness we experience and how fragile our earthly bodes are. Because he knows what it is like to live like us, he can empathize with our weakness. We can approach God’s throne with confidence that Jesus will speak to the Father on our behalf and tell the Father to give us mercy and grace in our time of need. It is so amazing that I have a God that cares for me. That wants a relationship with me. I just cannot understand his love for me, but I know from scripture how much he does even if I can’t comprehend it in my own little mind. During my cancer, when I was praying….Jesus was up there in Heaven speaking to God about me….what an amazing vision. The more I pray….the more interceding he does on my behalf. Thank you Jesus for all you have done and for all that you do.

Thank you God for sending your Son to die for me on a cross so I will have eternal life with You in Heaven. I look forward to the day!!

Pectoral muscles and my new hobby…

26 Sep

I’ve struggled since my mastectomy/reconstruction in 2012 to do things that I used to be able to do.  During surgery they cut the pectoral muscles when they inserted the tissue expanders in order to create a pocket for the implants once I had the reconstruction.  Some of the things that I have a hard time with are raking leaves, shoveling dirt, bowling…pretty much anything that really uses my pectoral muscles.  It would either hurt immediately or I would be paying for it the next day when I had muscle spasms.  I wanted an exercise that would build up those muscles, but also be fun.  Honestly, I hate exercise…it is boring.  I love going on a hike or for a long walk, but anything that makes me sit/stand in the same position while staring at a wall (think treadmill, elliptical, lifting weights) or even running down the road without enjoying what I’m running past is no fun.

For the last 5 years or so my husband has wanted me to go kayaking with him.  The first time he asked we lived in Florida and the thought of kayaking along side an alligator did not appeal to me.  I didn’t like the idea at all.  So, I’ve been saying no, changing the subject or telling him I *might* do it if it is a 2-person kayak. I’m not a very good swimmer.  I worried about falling out and thought if he was in the boat with me he could help me get back in it. I always had an excuse of why I couldn’t do it.  The excuse during the last year or so was my pectoral muscles couldn’t handle the paddling.  🙂

In August we went to Michigan for my family reunion.  It was held at my brother’s farm.  He has a pond and a canoe.  My other brother brought his kayaks over in case anyone wanted to paddle around in the water.  While we were there Kev asked me if I wanted to go in the canoe.  I thought it would be so much more stable so I said sure.  As I was getting in I almost tipped it over.  The thought of Kevan getting into it too alarmed me.  I knew we would end up in the water if we couldn’t keep the thing balanced.  Knowing that he always wanted to go in a kayak and knowing that I’d be in it BY MYSELF I asked him if he’d rather go kayaking.  I knew I could keep it balanced if I was in the boat by myself!  I’m a little of a control freak sometimes.  He said he wanted to go in the kayaks.  Whew!  So, we did.  Let me tell you…..I loved it!  It is the most peaceful thing.  It didn’t hurt me to paddle at all.  Although, it was a little pond, but we did paddle around for about 40 minutes altogether that day (we did it twice).

Once we traveled back home I became a little obsessed with kayaking.  I’m pretty sure Kev was very excited that I was finally on board with the idea.  We researched kayaks and found out that there was a kayak manufacturer (Jackson) near us.  It made us happy that they were made in the US and locally.  We love to support our local economy.  We decided to rent a couple of kayaks just to make sure we really liked it.  The kayaks we rented ended up being Jackson kayaks as well.  We loved them.  As we did our research we realized that we also wanted to fish.  We didn’t just want to paddle/float around.  So, we would lay in bed and watch YouTube videos of people fishing on their kayaks and looked for things we might want our kayak to have (a place for rods, dry compartments, etc).

Here is a picture of me trying out a Jackson Kilroy.  We were near the Caney Fork dam and the water was freezing, but it was fun.


I was a little worried about sitting in a kayak for a long period of time since I have horrible tailbone pain since chemo treatment.  This made me want to try a few with seats as well (the molded plastic ones, the small inserts and the larger full seat that can be removed.  We finally decided on which kayaks we would get and it had the removable seat.  The seat lets me sit up really straight (it has adjustments) so I don’t have to sit back on my tailbone.  It is very comfortable.  Kev ended up with a sit on top and I ended up with a sit in.  WE LOVE THEM.

Here is a picture of the one I purchased from Caney Fork Outdoors – it was dark out so the pic is pretty dark….but it is really pretty.


The next day, I used my Silhouette to cut out a vinyl breast cancer ribbon and “Survivor” sticker to put on my kayak.  I added one to both sides.  See below.

kilroy 2

Here is a pic of Kevan in my kayak.  I am usually the one with the camera so I don’t have a picture of me in my kayak.

Kev Kayak2

Being in my kayak is so restful.  I love paddling around rivers and lakes looking at all of God’s creation.  It is so beautiful.




A great bonus is that I’m getting exercise.  Sometimes we have to paddle more because we are on a lake (no river pushing us along) or because the wind is is pushing against us and we are trying to make it back to where we put in at.  But, I LOVE IT.  I don’t mind the extra paddling or the exercise.  I actually love it more when I have to paddle then when we are just on a lazy river.  I love pretty much….every minute of it.  I also love that I’m in MY OWN kayak.  Kevan and I were on a lake last weekend and we were arguing (just a little – ha!)….I said, “You should be glad you are in your own kayak right now because if I was in it with you I would push you out!”  HAHA!!  We both laughed and he said the feeling was mutual.  lol!

Another great bonus is that we catch DINNER.  Yes.  I love fresh fish.  Kevan cleans it and I cook it.  Perfect match.  It tastes so good.  Here is a pic of Kevan with a bass he caught for our dinner while we were camping the other day.  It looks tiny, but it actually fed both of us.


Here is another great pic of my best friend.

Kayak Kev

Just because you are a breast cancer survivor who has had a mastectomy and reconstruction doesn’t mean you can’t do things like kayaking.  YOU CAN DO IT!  I am so blessed that God has healed me and that I’ve had the opportunity to experience paddling around with my husband and enjoying God’s creation.  One more thing that I find myself doing while I’m kayaking is praying.  It is just so peaceful and I won’t even realize that I’ve been sitting there talking to God (in my head, not out loud) while I’m paddling around, fishing or sitting back and looking around.  I don’t use my computer, my smart phone or watch TV on my kayak….so the time that I’m sitting there I tend to end up praying.  I asked God a question the other day while I was paddling around.  I *thought* I heard an answer (in my mind).  So, I was a little shocked.  I asked God if he really answered me.  Then, Kevan came up beside me in his kayak and said the EXACT SAME THING that I thought God had just told me.  I think God was confirming to me that He really did just answer my question.  It was such a special thing.

So….lastly, it is a great way to spend time with God in prayer.  I love it!

Menopause Update

16 Sep

I’ve been avoiding my blog. Mostly because I didn’t have any real updates and also because I didn’t want to sit down at my computer once I finished working. I was working way too many hours, but things are a bit calmer now (thankfully).

I have a huge praise regarding one of my previous posts. I can’t remember if wrote about this before, but when I saw my Oncologist in February I told him I had a suspicion that my periods had stopped due to my thyroid medication (Synthroid). It seemed to coincide with the thyroid med change since my cycles had come back after chemo finished. He confirmed that he didn’t think it was chemo, but that he was stumped by it. He couldn’t change me back because the thyroid meds I was taking were no longer available (Levoxyl). Anyway, in June I did some research and found that Levoxyl was now available again. I called the pharmacy to make sure they were filling it. The pharmacist confirmed that they were, but that it was VERY expensive and that insurance was not paying for it due to a study that had been done that proved that the results were the same for patients on Levoxyl as were those on Synthroid. Synthroid is cheaper to make.  He said to make sure my doctor added that it was medically necessary to see if insurance might pay for some of it, but that it would still be expensive. That was unfortunate. When I saw my doctor a couple days later he went ahead and prescribed it and wrote that it was medically necessary.  I was worried about how much it was going to cost, but when it was filled at the pharmacy it was only $12. I couldn’t believe it. Very thankful.  🙂

I am taking my thyroid medication a lot better than I used to. I have hardly missed it. After starting the Levoxyl my period returned within 1 week. It was a huge blessing and again have hope that God will hear our prayers. I have had 3 cycles now – 21 day cycles instead of 28. 21 is a blessing too because that is about 4 more cycles per year – which means more opportunity to pray that God blesses us with a child. 🙂 Although, that is also 4 more times to be brokenhearted if God doesn’t answer with a yes, but still….I have hope again.

There are two things I am dealing with lately that are causing me some grief. First, for about 2 months now I’ve been having migraines that mess up my vision. It may be related to the thyroid medication – I’m not sure and all my blood work is coming back fine. 3 weeks ago I stopped eating sugar (to see if I lose some weight) and I think the migraines have improved. I only had one last week. So, maybe it is a diet thing….not sure.  I’ve been extremely tired since quitting sugar.  All I want to do is sleep.  lol!

Second, my tailbone. It is so much worse than it used to be. I can hardly sit without pain. It is all day every day. If I stand it doesn’t hurt, but any sitting causes pain. I am trying the chiropractor again, but it doesn’t seem to be helping at all. Last time I went to the orthopedist he told me there was nothing they could do, but remove my tailbone. That doesn’t sound fun at all. Since I didn’t have pain until after I completed chemo I worry that it is cancer. The pain is that bad and is progressing. Kevan reminds me that my pet scan in December came back fine, but I still worry. I can’t imagine dealing with this the rest of my life.  It is so hard to sit and work all day.  The doctor gave me prescription pain medication, but it doesn’t do anything for the pain – just makes me even more tired.  Even Aleve doesn’t help it anymore.  I will just continue to pray that God removes the pain.

Well, I don’t want to end on a sad note so I will say that I am very blessed that God has allowed me to no longer be in menopause. I feel a lot better and no longer have hot flashes! Say a prayer that God gives us a child. Please!

Feeling a Little Optimistic Tonight

18 Mar

I went to my routine 3-month check-up with the oncologist today.  I love my doctor.  I’m so glad God blessed me with him.  He always walks in, looks at Kevan & me and says, “It is my favorite couple!”  I’m sure he says that to everyone, but it still makes us feel good.  If Kevan isn’t with me for some reason he always jokes that he lost his “husband-of-the-year status”.  My mother-in-law also goes to him for her post-cancer check-ups and she says he talks more about us than he does about her.  Haha!  Anyway, my blood work came back well.  Tumor markers are good and no indication that cancer has returned.  Praising the Lord for another appointment with great news.

We discussed menopause and he ordered some blood work to see how my levels are now.  I may not know for a few days.  We also talked about my thyroid a little and if the menopause could be caused by my thyroid levels (although they are perfect right now and are normally low) or my thyroid medication (it was changed a couple months ago).  He referred us to a fertility specialist (who happens to be the ex-wife of the doctor that did my mastectomy).  He’s referred several of his cancer survivor patients and they’ve had successful pregnancies.  He even said that they were 1 or 2 babies and not 5 or 6.  lol!  We are going to see if we can “retrieve” some of my own eggs (if there are any left in there) and see what our options are.  Kevan still has a lot of hope and thinks God is going to do a miracle and the crazy menopause lady (me) is going to have a baby.  I keep telling him to keep his hope to himself so that I don’t get disappointed again.  I know it sounds negative, but it will be too hard if I hope too much.  I am a little optimistic….but am trying to shove it far far down.

Thanks all for now…..good night!

Joy Comes in the Morning

3 Mar

For those that responded to my last post, thank you so much for your sweet comments and especially for your prayers!  I’ve definitely felt the prayers.  I am doing a lot better and do not feel the despair I felt those first 2 days.  I’ve learned (again) over the last week that God’s timing is perfect.  I know that the news of my menopause came right when God wanted it to.  How great is our God that in less than a week I already have joy in my soul for what He is doing in my life through the suffering of my barrenness and I’m ready for it!  It won’t be easy, but this is His plan for me.  Jeremiah 29 :11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. “  I may have days like last week where I’m in despair again and feeling hopeless… I can’t go on, but I know He will be with me through it.  I’m going to try to count it all joy….that God is making a perfect Jayde through my suffering/pain.  Haha!  James 1:2-4, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  God has filled my heart with joy and hope again through circumstances over the past week (prayers of so many, being with family, through my own prayers and study of His Word, attending a funeral, talking with my cousin who also went through childlessness and through a book that I believe the Holy Spirit led me to).  Only God could turn hopelessness and sorrow to joy in such a short time.

As some of you know, I flew home to be with my family due to the death of my sweet Aunt Jeanette.  It was a blessed time.  My aunt was such a godly woman.  She had Alzheimers for many years (10 years I think) and she asked God in the beginning that through her illness she would continue to glorify Him.  He answered and she glorified Him even through her illness and in her death.  Even when she did not know who anyone was around her she still knew Jesus.  She asked visitors if they knew Jesus and she still sang praise to her Savior throughout her whole illness.  God still gave her joy through it.  She was an amazing testimony.   I want a life like hers….when I die I want others to look at my testimony and see Christ through me.  Her daughter struggled, like me, with having a child.  She has an amazing story of God’s goodness and now has 2 teenage girls that she adopted as babies.  I was able to spend a few minutes with her and it was nice to know that someone out there knows what my heart is going through.  Even though she is now a mother, she really did understand the pain in my heart and she even knew some of the secret thoughts in my mind.  She has been through it and it is hard to forget such pain.  She also gave me a letter that my aunt wrote to her many years ago when she was childless and grieving. My aunt’s wise words so many years ago have spoken to me too.  They have turned my eyes from my own sorrow to what really matters in this life.  I may have to read the letter often to remind myself and I pray that each time it speaks to me in the same way.  She is impacting my life even after her death.

Praying and spending time in the Word has really helped me too.  If I sit and think about my heartache I find myself in despair and I can see it leading to deep depression.  So, I’ve been trying to change my thoughts to other things or pray and ask for help during those times.  Sometimes, I feel sorry for myself and I want to wallow in the sorrow for a time and I refuse to pray or read the bible, but luckily that is only for a time and soon I am asking God for help because I know I can’t do it on my own.  The pain is too great to go on alone.  Even if I just grab my bible and read a verse or find a bible study or Christian blog online that I can trust it gets my mind off of myself and allows God to work on my heart.

Yesterday I flew back home to Tennessee and I was tired of playing Candy Crush and Jelly Splash on my phone.  🙂  I wanted to read something and couldn’t figure out what to read.  I went to my kindle app and noticed a book that I didn’t remember purchasing.  I started to read it.  I immediately knew that His Spirit led me to this book.  I went out to Amazon to see when I purchased it and it was back in 2011.  It sat in my list for 3 years and I have no idea how it ended up on my device (and not on the cloud) yesterday.  I didn’t have Wi-Fi on the plane so I wouldn’t have been able to download it and it was just ‘there’.  I don’t want to say too much about the book just yet because I haven’t read it all, but it is a study on a woman in the bible that suffered much and how we miss her sufferings as we read the biblical account because we are focused on another aspect of the biblical story.  I can see God working in her life to bring about His plan, but also to bring her joy again.  She didn’t see it at the time of her suffering, but I’m sure she had much joy in the end when she looked back and saw God’s plan.  I have hope today that this is what God is doing in my life.  He is molding me into what He needs to bring about His plan.  I am honored (again) that through my suffering I may glorify Him and be a part of His plan.  Even though sometimes I don’t think He is listening to my prayers and sometimes I feel like He doesn’t care…I need to remind myself that I am a part of His perfect plan.  I’m special and He is allowing this time of suffering for a reason.  He’s being quiet for a reason.   Maybe to allow my heart to mold into what He needs.   I can trust Him.  I will trust Him.

If you are in despair…..cry out to God and tell Him all about it.  It is good to get it out.  I like to talk to God out loud.  Open your bible and ask God to speak to you through His Word.  Ask for friends and family to pray for you.  If you don’t know Him, ask Him to show Himself to you.  He will show up.  I know.  I’ve seen it with my own heart and in my own life.

“Joy comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5

The Hated “M” Word…I am Broken

26 Feb

Don’t ask me why I’m posting this online.  I don’t even know myself other than it helps the grieving process to get things out in the open.  Also, if it stops one person from asking, “how come you and Kevan don’t have kids?”….it will be worth it.

In January, I decided to start using ovulation tests again.  I had never really had a positive one even in the years before cancer so I was pretty happy in January when I got a positive on my ovulation test.  Then, the following week I started getting nauseous and dizzy.  It was awful.  Then, it dawned on Kevan and me that I was pregnant!  We were very excited!  The time for my period came and left…no period!  We were very excited!  I started Pinterest-ing baby things into a secret Pinterest board.  I imagined how we would have fun telling everyone in a unique way.  Our excitement was short lived.  Unfortunately, all tests were coming back negative (home pregnancy test and blood work from the doctor) even though I still did not have my period.

So, we did what every Tech Couple would do….we googled to see if anyone else out there had a negative test but was still pregnant.  We found several hits where that was the case.  We didn’t give up hope.  We still felt like this was our time.  We decided to put our faith in God and not in medicine….He was still going to do a miracle!  We knew it!  One night, I prayed and asked God to give me a dream or a vision.  I needed to know from Him if we would ever have a child.  THAT NIGHT, I had a dream that I was 9 months pregnant.  It was my due date in the dream and a friend of mine went into labor before I did.  My friend and I sat laughing and joking together about our pregnancies.  Then, I woke up.  I immediate knew it was from God, but as the weeks followed I started to doubt that it was just me thinking about being pregnant before I fell asleep and my mind created the dream and not God.  After today, I have no doubt where the dream originated.

Today, I went to have an ultrasound to see what was going on and my oncologist ran some blood work last week.  Kevan and I were still praying for a miracle.  I have never prayed so hard in my life as I have in the last few weeks.  This morning, I stopped by to pick up the blood work on the way to my gynecologist.  It was a mistake to pick it up.  I looked at it in the car and noticed all of them had “M” values.  Yes, menopause.  I broke down in the car and then realized someone wanted my parking space so I had to get myself together.  Then, as I was waiting for my ultrasound I broke down again when I looked over at a couple that was pregnant and had a toddler in tow.  I was called in for the ultrasound and the ultrasound tech revealed that there were no babies “in there” and that everything looked great.  Then, as I reached my doctor’s office I broke down in the waiting room.  Not just a little cry….full on ugly face crying.  There were two women in the waiting room that were very sweet and didn’t know what to do so they asked me if I was okay.  I told them what was going on and they hugged me and told me they would pray for me. It was very sweet.  Then, the nurse saw me ugly crying and asked me to come sit in their office so I could have some privacy.

The doctor confirmed it.  I’m 37 and today I heard the “M” word and was told there isn’t much that can be done.  My very first post on this blog was when I was 36 and found out I had the “C” word.  Here I am, less than 2 years later and I’m already hearing the “M” word.  I have to say that this blog post is more heart breaking to write than the first one.  Of course, as a woman….I knew that menopause would come at some point, but I didn’t know it would be now.  I am broken.

So, the blood work showed I am in FULL BLOWN menopause.  Not pre-menopause.  Full menopause.  My doctor was in shock.  He said he has never seen anyone go from having a cycle (in January) and into full menopause in that short of time.  I guess I’m lucky.  He said we needed to look into adoption or donor eggs and indicated that because of my cancer background there is nothing they can do (since I can’t have hormone treatment).  He also said to stop with the ovulation kits (OBVIOUSLY) because they will continue to be positive during menopause and will only depress me more.  So, this explained why my ovulation tests have been positive lately.

I have SO MANY friends that are pregnant right now.  Before I got to that appointment I knew in my heart that God wanted my child to grow up with their child too and this was His perfect timing.  I knew!  It is amazing what your imagination can come up with when you still hold on to hope.  It has been so hard watching all of my friends announce their pregnancies in the last few months….with their amazing stories of how God worked it out even though they didn’t even want a child right now because they already have children.  Their home pregnancy test showed positive before they even missed a period or a few days after.  Each of them having their own little miracle.  Of course, I rejoice with them and I am so happy that God is blessing them, but I secretly want to run and cry every time I’m told for the first time.  If they only knew the pain in my heart and how hard I was trying to keep a stable voice so I wouldn’t burst into tears at their happy news.  I sit there praying silently in my head, listening to their story and hoping that I make it to the door before I burst into tears.  Luckily, God answered those prayers and I always make it before they could see me ugly cry.  I am not bitter towards them at all…I think it is wonderful, but it makes my pain so much worse during those moments and the days following.   I also know there is no other way to go through the “telling”….they have to tell me…and I don’t want them to feel bad at their exciting news.  I will soon be going to each of their showers and while I am so happy for them… breaks my heart a little more each time.

I have also considered giving up Facebook.  Facebook is full of friends and family that are pregnant or recently had babies in the last 6 months.  Of course they are having babies!  It is a part of life.  Just not our life.  Of course people have families!  It is a part of life.  Just not our life.  I don’t want anyone to feel bad about posting family or baby things….but for me to remain sane…I think I’m going to have to give it up.  My heart can’t take much more.

Below are some of the random thoughts going on in my head tonight….please don’t judge…..

I hate that I want to ask God, why me?  I never wanted to when I had cancer.  But….this….I just don’t understand it.  If God is supposed to love me so much… can He see His daughter go through this?  She is bawling her eyes out, barely able to function and He’s okay with it?

God has perfect timing.  Why (yes, another why) was my husband out of town the day I found out?  Why wasn’t he here with me so he could help me through this?  But, instead….I’m home alone.  Maybe He did this for Kevan’s sake.  Lol!

I am so embarrassed.  I was the sad barren woman…..and now…..I am the 37-year-old that went into menopause early.

I am the woman that can’t give her husband or in-laws children.  I am so sorry that I am the reason they won’t have them.  I understand a little more of why Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham in the bible.

I know people probably sit and wonder what I have done in my life that God would remove His blessing.  Truthfully, I wonder the same thing.  There are so many things in my mind.  There are so many reasons why he shouldn’t.

I know I don’t deserve all of the blessings God has already given me….but it is hard to not compare myself to some women out there that don’t even want their children and treat them badly…..and those that are not living a godly life at all, but God blesses them.  It doesn’t make sense to my little mind.

Kevan and I have looked into adoption twice and both times it seemed that God had closed the door on it.  What does this mean??  No to adoption too?

Kevan and I have a dream of living on his dad’s farm.  We will never have “little farm hands” to help us or to leave the farm to.  Should we still hold on to that dream?

Kevan is the last male in the Riley line.  So, unless he marries someone else….there will be no more Riley’s.  Breaks my heart.

Please don’t comment about stories of friends that have had a pregnancy after menopause.  Don’t tell me that you know God has a child out there just for us.  You don’t know.  I’ve had too many people “prophesy” or tell us that God is going to give us a child.  You.don’t.know.that!

I am scared to hope.  Those women out there that have hoped and every month they are in despair know how I feel.  I am going to train myself to quit saying, “when I have children” because the truth is…..I might not ever have them.  I’m tired of saying it and dreaming it.  I’m not going to hope in it anymore.  My heart can’t stand it.

What is the proper response for a Christian?  I Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”  Should I rejoice and be thankful?  Honestly, I don’t know how.  I am going to cling to Ecclesiastes 3:4 – to everything there is a season…..”a time to weep”….”a time to mourn”.  I know it is the will of God, but I am broken.

Lastly, I’ve had a few women hear about my news today and offer their eggs to me.  It is VERY sweet of you to offer and amazing that you would do something like that for us.  Seriously, I’m not sure I could even do it for someone if I could.  You are amazing….but….I was thinking about it and it would be weird to know that my child belonged to Kevan and another woman.  Lol!  It would also be sad one day when they are mad at me and say they want to go live with you because you are their “real mom”.  Ouch!  I will have to pray about it.

So…these are the ramblings of a menopausal barren woman.  A woman without hope for a child.  A broken woman.  Careful with your comments please…..I am very fragile.  I am very good at hiding my feelings when I’m with friends and family…even Kevan doesn’t know the despair in my heart….only God does……my heart can’t take much more.

Excuse me while I go delete my private Pinterest boards…..

Prayer for a friend…

27 Jan

A friend of mine (from high school) found out today that she has breast cancer.  My heart is broken for her.  I know there are a few ladies that subscribe to my blog that are also survivors who know exactly what she is going through right now.  So many thoughts and feelings are going through her mind.  She will have many appointments to discuss her “options”, her future and she will need to make many decisions.  She is a mother and I cannot imagine going through this journey and having to worry about small children.  PLEASE pray for strength and HEALING for her.  Pray for wisdom for her as she makes these important decisions.  Pray for LOTS of support and comfort for her as she goes through surgery and treatment.  Pray that she feels God’s presence with her through this journey and that he carries her through with hope and many blessings along the way.  Just pray for her please.  Her initials are TD and God knows who she is.  Let’s FLOOD her life with prayer right now as that is what carried me through my cancer journey.  It was all the prayers from all of you.  Ask God to bring her to your mind every now and then so you can remember to pray for her.

THANK YOU!  God bless you TD!  I’m here for you if you need me.


Blog Avoidance…

24 Dec

I’ve been staying away from my blog lately.  I think about posts in my mind a lot, but I never sit down to actually type them out.  Part of the reason is that work has been really busy lately.  I’ve been working 50-55 hours per week and once I’m done working I just don’t want to be on my computer.  I’ve been praying work calms down.  It is starting to get to me.  We also had to go to Florida twice in the last few weeks to get our house there wrapped up and everything moved out & cleaned.  It was pretty stressful and our second contract on the house fell through.  We are still praying for a buyer.  I’ve also been in a lot of pain.  Daily pain.  I didn’t want to write a depressing post about how I’ve been feeling.  Who wants to read about that?  With work busyness and my spine/tailbone pain it wouldn’t have been a very happy post.  I’ve been scared my cancer is back and I didn’t want to be a liar by saying I was a survivor when I’m not.   I’m guilty of consulting Dr. Google to find out what my spine/tailbone pain could be….and of course somehow Google always leads me to a cancer diagnoses.  It has consumed me the last few weeks.  The “what if” it’s in my bones, “what if” we don’t know it is there, “I guess I don’t have a future and should stop thinking about having children or building a house”, the craziness goes on and on in my head.  I let my imagination run wild and I know I should just pray about it and know that whatever my future is that God knows and He will be there with me.  But, it’s hard.  I don’t want cancer again.  I am thankful for the journey God brought me through last year.  I’m a different person and I am so grateful to God for that, but deep in my heart I don’t want to go through it again.  It was hard in so many ways.  It was more pain than I’ve ever experienced and it isn’t a place I want to go back to.  I am sorry I feel that way because I know God could work through it again, but I am selfish and ask for Him to work through me in another way.  No more cancer PLEASE God.  My doctor told me that it is normal for a cancer survivor to feel like every little thing is cancer, but it doesn’t make me feel better because I STILL think it.  It doesn’t make me not think it.  I have so many people remind me of their friends who had cancer and a few months or years down the road they found out it was all through their body and they died within a short time.  Why would I be any different?  I am no better than anyone else and I feel guilty begging God to keep me cancer-free when there are so many out there dying.

This past week I had another Oncology check-up.  Kevan was in Michigan for work and I was sure that this spine/tailbone pain was cancer so I asked my mother-in-law to go with me to my appointment.  I prayed for Kevan and that the shock of telling him wouldn’t be too much for him.  I will trust God to get through it again, but it hurts to think I would put Kevan and my loved ones through it again.  I didn’t sleep well all week.  I continued to obsess and read Google for answers.  Why would I go to Google instead of going to God?  Of course, I went to God, but I am ashamed to say I went to Google way more.  I told the Oncologist about  my pain and how, over the last year, it has worsened and is now a daily struggle.  I can’t sit without pain.  Standing even hurts sometimes.  Laying flat is the only thing that relieves the pain.  It is all day every day.  I can’t wait to crawl into bed at night because I know the pain will stop soon.  I told him about my Google searches and my fears.   He told me my blood work looked great.  He didn’t see anything that would indicate my cancer was back, but I told him it wasn’t good enough for me.  I wanted to have a scan and he said he agreed because he wanted us all to be sure nothing was being missed.

I had my PET scan on Thursday. I had to drink the wonderful tasting metallic water (GAG!!!).  Here is a pic of my drinks….it is about 32 ounces of gagging liquid.


Kevan texted me beforehand and told me that God loves me more than I will ever understand and that He would be with us no matter what happened.  I was thankful for his text and it did make me feel a little better.  I went to the scan by myself because it is an almost 3 hour processes and I didn’t want anyone to have to sit there all that time.  Of course, my tailbone/back hurt the entire time.  Even when they put me in the recliner after the injection I was still in pain.  I laid on the PET scan table and prayed.  I asked God for good news, but deep down I just knew this awful pain was cancer.  The doctor told me I wouldn’t hear anything until Monday.  So, I would have to go the whole weekend without knowing the results.  After I left the hospital I headed straight to a drive-thru window (and I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop on the way – which is a pretty funny story, but I will wait for another post to give the details).  As I sat eating my fast food the doctor’s office called.  It had only been about 45 minutes since I left the hospital.  I knew it was bad news since they were calling me so soon.

I answered and heard an excited voice on the other end.  “Jayde, I have good news!”  Thank you Lord I thought in my heart.  He loves me and He has answered my prayers.  Even the doctor’s office was looking forward to my results.  It was so sweet of them to call me so fast.  They have so many patients and they cared for me enough to call me right away.  Such a blessing.  Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that there was no cancer anywhere in my body.  The scan was perfect except for a few ovarian cysts (which are not a cause for concern).  How wonderful.  I cried happy tears.  Then, I called Kevan, my parents and let Kevan’s parents know as well and cried happy tears again.  In just a few seconds everything changed from a dark and dreary outcome to a happy and sunny future.  I need to work on my imagination and not let myself worry so much.  I have been sooooooo happy since Thursday afternoon.  No cancer anywhere in my body.  I don’t have to wonder.  I am still cancer-free.   Praise God He heard my prayers and He was gracious.  I don’t take it for granted.  I know the results could’ve been different and I really do praise God that He has healed me and given me more time with Kev.  It was the best Christmas present.  I’m so thankful for my God and for my Savior.  Life would be very dark and dreary without such a loving God.

Now, it is time to pray about my pain and ask Him to heal that too.  I know He can.


Video Testimony

28 Oct

Last night our church had a night of testimonies.  It was pretty amazing to hear how God had worked through so many of our lives.  I’m so thankful for a Father that we can pray to and approach His Throne with our concerns.  He wants a relationship with us and it is amazing.  I decided to do a video testimony of my cancer journey.  Here is the video.

Post Surgery Update

26 Oct

Surgery went well.  No complications.  I talked with the anesthesiologist beforehand about how it takes me hours to wake back up.  he explained that it wasn’t the anesthesia that does that.  It is the drugs they give you beforehand for calming you and so you don’t have to see the O.R. When you are rolled in.  I guess that freaks people out.  Not me.  I chose to go drug free.  It was actually pretty cool to see the O.R. And meet everyone in there.  He also put my IV in place and had to try 3 times.  It was pretty painful.  One of the times I jumped and scared him and then blood squirted and it messed him up so he had to find a new one.  Oops.  He wanted to use a neck vein for the IV but I told him that would freak me out a little.  I’m not supposed to use my arms for IVs or blood draws since I’ve had lymph nodes removed from both sides.  But the neck?  Nope.  Not gonna do it.  Lol.

They wheeled me into the O.R. and one of the nurses told me to dream about being on the beach somewhere.  Then, she followed it up with, “make sure you dream about the hot cabana boys that are serving you.”. I had an oxygen mask on my face so I couldn’t reply.  But, I would’ve said! “I don’t need a cabana boy.  I have my hot hubby instead.”. 🙂

I woke up so fast after surgery.  It was great.  I felt a little groggy and I didn’t have my glasses on so it contributed to my dizziness since I can’t see much without them. Kevan couldn’t believe I already was sitting up with my eyes open when he came in.  It was great.  If I ever have to have surgery again I’m going to forego the initial meds too.  The next thing was that I couldn’t leave without urinating first.  I tried a few times but my bladder and muscles were still asleep so it took a pretty long time for it to wake up so I could go home.  My sweet mother-in-law went into the bathroom with me to make sure I was okay and she even helped me get dressed.  It was very sweet of her.  Kevan was on an urgent work call so he couldn’t help me.

So far all we know is that he found a moderate amount of endometriosis.  Not a little or an extravagant amount, but a significant amount.  It was on the normal areas but also my bladder and on one ovary.  He removed it. He said my ovaries looked great and so did my Fallopian tubes.  He didn’t see anything  that would get in the way of us getting pregnant.  He also did a D&C because my uterine lining was so thick.  He said sometimes women get pregnant pretty fast after endo removal and a D&C. So, we will be praying for that.  He took a endometrial biopsy as well to see if I may have luteal phase defect and if that is the reason we have never gotten pregnant.  We’ve been trying 7 years now (minus the year I had cancer….of course we weren’t trying then).  7 is the perfect number and the number of completion.  Im hoping God will answer and our family will be complete.

I hardly had any pain yesterday, but I’m in a good amount of pain today.  Also, I had to get up 6 times last night to empty my bladder.  It is super sensitive.  This happened the last time I had endo removed from my bladder and it got better after a few weeks.

Thank you all for your prayers.  I’m thankful that God was with me, that he taught companies how to make pain pills (haha) and provides doctors with their skills.  My pain med is kicking in.  I won’t make much sense soon.  So, I ammmmm signing offfff nowwww.