I had my 2 month check-up at the plastic surgeon on Friday. Seems like it has been longer than 2 months since I had my reconstruction surgery on 12/5. I’m doing so well! My absolute favorite result (well, other than the obvious. HaHa!) is that I CAN SLEEP ON MY STOMACH! Every night when I flip over to go to sleep I get little tears in my eyes because it is such a wonderful blessing and it makes me emotional still to think about how much God has blessed me in my recovery. I have missed sleeping comfortably. It feels so good. Also, I’m able to cuddle with my hubby again (I know, TMI!). Anyway, back to the doctor. lol! He looked at everything and felt around (yes, this makes Kevan very uncomfortable to see another man touching his wife)…then he said, “looks great, my best work ever! I’ll see you in 4 months.” That’s it. I’m so thankful that it has gone so well.
While I was there I met a woman that also went through chemo/cancer. We talked a little while in the waiting room about our hair troubles. It was a blessing to talk to her and to know that she is feeling the same way I am. She also had blonde hair before and now hers is coming back brown (and gray) as well.
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Get Over It!
11 FebI’ve Learned Yet Another New Word I Didn’t Know Before Cancer
20 DecNew word: Seroma – a lump or swelling caused by an accumulation of serum within a tissue or organ.
First, thank you to those that prayed for me. I felt better today when I woke up (probably due to the antibiotics they started me on – Cipro and Bactrim) and I prayed that when we arrived at the doctor that Kevan and I would just look like paranoid idiots and that there really wouldn’t be an issue. I would much rather look like an idiot than have an infection or seroma. I did not have a fever this morning and my right breast didn’t look as red. So, it seemed that maybe everything was fine.
We packed the car with overnight clothes/items just in case. If it was serious I may need to stay at the hospital or if we had to see the doctor again tomorrow we could just stay at my MIL’s instead of making the long drive two days in a row. We arrived 30 minutes early. We had given ourselves the normal 2 hour drive, but traffic was down so we arrived early. We finished listening to a Christmas Sermon by John MacArthur and then headed in to see if they could take us a little early. Kevan and I love the modern technology. We have been listening to YouTube videos or streaming sermons lately during our long drives. It is pretty cool that our cell service is able to stay connected well enough that the video/audio is never interrupted and it gives us so many more options than just listening to the radio.
When we arrived my two wonderful nurses, Miss L and Miss B, took a look at the redness and didn’t notice any swelling. They didn’t think anything serious was going on, but wanted to make sure with Dr. M’s confirmation. So, Kevan and I waited (he was in surgery) until we could see him. We just played around on our phones for 30 minutes and the time went by pretty fast. :o) I was very happy though…thinking that nothing was wrong and I’d be going home.
Dr. M came in and in the next 5 minutes he burst my bubble of happiness. He immediately mentioned needle and drain. I obviously got emotional because I hate both words. He could tell I was getting emotional, but he knew that putting in a drain if he found fluid (seroma) was the right thing to do. I already have potential issues because I’ve had 3 lymph nodes removed from that side and it is my cancer side so there was more trauma to the area during surgeries. Of course, I wanted what was best, but I didn’t want to go through anything else so I was starting to cry a little just thinking about it. Miss L and Miss B prepped the room for my “minor” surgery. I was so glad they were going to let Kevan stay. He moved his chair to the other side of me, held my hand and prayed for me. Then, Dr. M stuck a few needles in me to numb the area (OUCH!!!) and then did the procedure to find any fluid that was there. I felt a lot of pressure and some “jamming” which I did not care for. lol! I didn’t watch, but looked at Kevan the whole time. At one point he had a weird expression on his face that scared me so I told him he wasn’t allowed to watch if he was going to make faces that scare me. lol! So, then he just continued to watch, but put his hand over his mouth so I couldn’t read him. Anyway, there was quite a bit of fluid so Dr. M did need to put in a drain. Have I told you how much I HATE DRAINS! Ugh! I am grateful for them, of course, because they have a great purpose, but I just don’t like this thing stuck in my body that has a big long tube that gross stuff drains through to get to a “bulb” that we have to empty 3 times a day. Dr. M also noticed a blister that had formed and lanced it (ouch!). For those that are brave and can look at medical stuff…I’ve uploaded a picture of what the blister and drain site looks like. It isn’t pretty! So, click here to see a picture. I made the picture really small because it just looks grotesque looking at it any bigger. I will have to have the drain until the fluid coming out is less than 5cc’s for 3 days. Last Monday, they removed my drains and the count had to be less than 20cc for 2 days. So, you can see that the threshold has to be a lot less now. My appointment to have it removed is next Thursday, but if it is more than 5cc’s I will have to move it. I am praying it is next Thursday!
It is funny that the whole time I was laying on the table going through this, in my mind, I was thinking……”I want a big piece of Gondola’s cake for having to go through this”. LOL!!! I’ve fallen off the diet wagon and have cheated a few times lately. If we had driven past it on the way home I would’ve made Kevan go buy me a piece of cake. :p I love their cake and I think it would’ve made me feel a little better. LOL!
I am so thankful for Miss L and Miss B for always making me feel better when I have to go through these procedures or if I’m just having a rough time of it. I’m also thankful for the ability that God has given to Dr. M. Not just his plastic surgery abilities, but also his wisdom today to see that something was wrong and that he knew what to do. Please Lord, please bless each of them. Now, I will say that I think my little procedure was already a blessing to Miss L and Miss B because they both enjoy the little mini surgeries in the office. lol! I can’t imagine it! But, Miss L was pretty excited. :o)
Finally, I want to say how wonderful my husband was to sit there and hold my hand the whole time and to pray with me. I am so thankful for him and his support. People tell me I am such a strong person all the time, but I have so much support (Kevan, Family, Friends, God) and that is how I’m able to be strong. After each of the things I go through I appreciate so much more what my mother-in-law, Judy, went through. She has had breast cancer twice. She is a single woman. I don’t know how she did it. Kevan went to her appointments with her and tried to help her, but he wasn’t there for her first cancer experience because he lived in Texas. Also, he couldn’t help her, like he does me, because that is just weird….cuz she’s his mom. Ha! Anyway, Judy….you are the strongest woman I know. I don’t know how you did it. I love you so much. I wish I would’ve known you then so I could’ve helped you through each thing. I’m glad God was with you though and got you through it. I can’t imagine my life without you in it.
Encouragement and Unspeakable Joy!
14 DecWhat a difference a week makes! Or 8 months. I am a week and 2 days out from my final reconstruction surgery. The swelling is gone, the pain is getting better, the stitches have been removed and things are looking good. I wanted to write a post to encourage those women that have to go through the same procedures. The journey is hard, painful, stressful, discouraging, sad…..but in the end….it is worth it. I have talked on this blog many times about the pain and internal turmoil I experienced the first time I saw myself after my double mastectomy and how it took weeks…maybe even months for me to look at myself without crying. Sometimes crying the whole remainder of the day. It was hard to experience and hard to believe that I would ever look normal again. God was with me though and I prayed and prayed that the doctors and my husband would be right. That I would be able to look at myself and be okay with it. That God would answer my prayer and I would look normal again. I know a lot of you prayed as well.
I am here as a witness now to say, “I look pretty darn good!”. God answered those prayers! In some ways, I look better than I did before I had breast cancer. I am very happy with the results. The surgeon was able to use new technologies to do so much…it is pretty unbelievable. I still have a lot of healing left, but things should improve week by week. My scars will eventually fade and as far as I can tell….no one would ever know I have breast implants under this skin. The implants we chose look so natural. I didn’t want to look fake and I don’t. Praise God! The tissue expanders felt like rocks….the implants feel so much better. They took the sutures/stitches out yesterday so those areas still need healing and I still have dissolving stitches all along the bottom of my breasts, but I have joy today. I can see now what the doctor and my husband kept telling me in the beginning. I would look normal again and I would be happy with it. I am. I am grateful to God for blessing me so much. I am so so so grateful that my husband is excited and very happy as well at how things are looking. lol! As a married woman, this means more to me than my own acceptance of myself. But, to have both (mine and my husband’s joy in it) and not having to feel like I “look as good as can be expected after breast cancer”…..but I “look good” and believe I will look great in weeks to come is huge to me….this is HUGE to me. God’s grace. God’s love for me. It overwhelms me.
How I look shouldn’t matter. I know this. Who really sees me anyway besides myself and my husband? But, it matters. It matters that I feel beautiful for my husband. It would matter even if I was a single woman. It matters that underneath it all I’m not left with the memory of the horror of it every time I see myself without clothes, but instead the beauty of what God has done for me. He brought me through a very hard time and left me better than I was before. Not just on the outside, but also on the inside. Only my Lord can do something this powerful. Oh, how I love Him. I know it mattered to my Father because it mattered to me. He doesn’t do things small…..He delivers BIG. He is the Creator of the world….why couldn’t He make me look great again? Of course He can! He made man from the dust of the earth….He spoke the world into being. He healed me from cancer, He walked with me through it all, He gave me strength to endure it and HE gives me this joy today. I am so thankful and blessed.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” – Romans 15:13
This song….is so fitting for my heart today and for the season – UNSPEAKABLE JOY!
Misconceptions
8 DecI had my first follow up visit with my plastic surgeon yesterday. The nurse unwrapped my chest and stomach. Due to the bruising I had already noticed from under the stomach wrap I had decided not to look. I was just scared it would be emotional. Because of the wrapping things already looked smooshed. After the nurse and Kevan encouraged me to look I walked over to the mirror. As I did, my drain accidentally fell onto the floor and pulled on my side which made me queezy and I had to hurry and sit down or I was going to pass out. Kevan said all the color was gone from my face. I’m not sure if this happened because of the emotional aspect of what I saw or because the drain pulling, but I let her rewrap me without looking again.
You see, I was under the impression that I would look normal again. Like on tv when someone has a breast augmentation. They show the after and the person looks great. That is not what happened. I have about 9 places where there are sutures sticking out. They are there to hold the implants in place until the pocket heals enough to hold them there. Another surprise was how high my breasts are sitting. They said it will take between 3 and 6 months for them to fall into place. That is a long time.
Also, my stomach, where they had to remove fat via liposuction for the fat grafting. I looks a little strange and very bruised, but she said this is normal and I’m just swollen. I will have to wear the stomach wrap for 3+ weeks. I have no idea how I will hide it under my clothes.
Some good news is that they fit me into a bra yesterday. They first put this sticky foam on the top of my breasts to push the implants down and then the sports bra (it zips in the front) and then they wrapped another wrap over the top to also help push them down. This wrap is the most painful as it also rubs my underarms because it is so high. This wrap is what is causing the most pain and also where the sutures are sutured into the breast muscle. It does seem a little better today.
The bra they fit me into was a 40 C. I used to wear a 34 B. I’m hoping that the 40 is due to being swollen and it will not be the ending number. Lastly, I just want to say that if you go through this just remember that his isn’t the end result. It takes several months for the implants to drop and for things to heal. I have to keep telling myself this as well.
Plastic Surgeon Visit – Misconceptions
12 Apr“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” – Matthew 11: 28
“You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book” – Psalm 56:8
He knows my pain and is with me through it. I can cast all my sorrow and burdens on Him who gives me strength. He will give me what I need to endure this.
During the reconstruction there will not be much left for the surgeon to work with. It isn’t like a normal augmentation. Because so much is lost during the mastectomy she will be doing a tissue expander technique that requires her to use human skin graphs (from donors – ewww!), temporary spacers (the actual expander) and will need to use the pectoral muscle since there will be no tissue left to hold the spacer (or implant) in place. Here is a good page to read about it that is not too graphic. Most sites have real pictures so I tried to find one that was less graphic.
She gave us a little background on how the surgery would go. My oncological surgeon will start the surgery by doing the mastectomy and sentinel node biopsy (they remove the main lymph node to see if it reveals cancer). The biopsy will give immediate results that will let him know if anything else will need to be done during the surgery (i.e. other nodes will need to be removed due to the cancer spreading). I did learn that the scar will need to be a lot larger than if it was an augmentation so this was sad to me. Once he is finished it will be my plastic surgeon’s job to try to reconstruct what was there. I am very thankful that this is an option and even though this is hard for me I know it is a blessing to even have this as an available option. I know women many years ago did not have this option nor did they have the skin grafting options available that they do now.