Archive | March, 2014

Feeling a Little Optimistic Tonight

18 Mar

I went to my routine 3-month check-up with the oncologist today.  I love my doctor.  I’m so glad God blessed me with him.  He always walks in, looks at Kevan & me and says, “It is my favorite couple!”  I’m sure he says that to everyone, but it still makes us feel good.  If Kevan isn’t with me for some reason he always jokes that he lost his “husband-of-the-year status”.  My mother-in-law also goes to him for her post-cancer check-ups and she says he talks more about us than he does about her.  Haha!  Anyway, my blood work came back well.  Tumor markers are good and no indication that cancer has returned.  Praising the Lord for another appointment with great news.

We discussed menopause and he ordered some blood work to see how my levels are now.  I may not know for a few days.  We also talked about my thyroid a little and if the menopause could be caused by my thyroid levels (although they are perfect right now and are normally low) or my thyroid medication (it was changed a couple months ago).  He referred us to a fertility specialist (who happens to be the ex-wife of the doctor that did my mastectomy).  He’s referred several of his cancer survivor patients and they’ve had successful pregnancies.  He even said that they were 1 or 2 babies and not 5 or 6.  lol!  We are going to see if we can “retrieve” some of my own eggs (if there are any left in there) and see what our options are.  Kevan still has a lot of hope and thinks God is going to do a miracle and the crazy menopause lady (me) is going to have a baby.  I keep telling him to keep his hope to himself so that I don’t get disappointed again.  I know it sounds negative, but it will be too hard if I hope too much.  I am a little optimistic….but am trying to shove it far far down.

Thanks all for now…..good night!

Joy Comes in the Morning

3 Mar

For those that responded to my last post, thank you so much for your sweet comments and especially for your prayers!  I’ve definitely felt the prayers.  I am doing a lot better and do not feel the despair I felt those first 2 days.  I’ve learned (again) over the last week that God’s timing is perfect.  I know that the news of my menopause came right when God wanted it to.  How great is our God that in less than a week I already have joy in my soul for what He is doing in my life through the suffering of my barrenness and I’m ready for it!  It won’t be easy, but this is His plan for me.  Jeremiah 29 :11 says, “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. “  I may have days like last week where I’m in despair again and feeling hopeless…..like I can’t go on, but I know He will be with me through it.  I’m going to try to count it all joy….that God is making a perfect Jayde through my suffering/pain.  Haha!  James 1:2-4, “Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”  God has filled my heart with joy and hope again through circumstances over the past week (prayers of so many, being with family, through my own prayers and study of His Word, attending a funeral, talking with my cousin who also went through childlessness and through a book that I believe the Holy Spirit led me to).  Only God could turn hopelessness and sorrow to joy in such a short time.

As some of you know, I flew home to be with my family due to the death of my sweet Aunt Jeanette.  It was a blessed time.  My aunt was such a godly woman.  She had Alzheimers for many years (10 years I think) and she asked God in the beginning that through her illness she would continue to glorify Him.  He answered and she glorified Him even through her illness and in her death.  Even when she did not know who anyone was around her she still knew Jesus.  She asked visitors if they knew Jesus and she still sang praise to her Savior throughout her whole illness.  God still gave her joy through it.  She was an amazing testimony.   I want a life like hers….when I die I want others to look at my testimony and see Christ through me.  Her daughter struggled, like me, with having a child.  She has an amazing story of God’s goodness and now has 2 teenage girls that she adopted as babies.  I was able to spend a few minutes with her and it was nice to know that someone out there knows what my heart is going through.  Even though she is now a mother, she really did understand the pain in my heart and she even knew some of the secret thoughts in my mind.  She has been through it and it is hard to forget such pain.  She also gave me a letter that my aunt wrote to her many years ago when she was childless and grieving. My aunt’s wise words so many years ago have spoken to me too.  They have turned my eyes from my own sorrow to what really matters in this life.  I may have to read the letter often to remind myself and I pray that each time it speaks to me in the same way.  She is impacting my life even after her death.

Praying and spending time in the Word has really helped me too.  If I sit and think about my heartache I find myself in despair and I can see it leading to deep depression.  So, I’ve been trying to change my thoughts to other things or pray and ask for help during those times.  Sometimes, I feel sorry for myself and I want to wallow in the sorrow for a time and I refuse to pray or read the bible, but luckily that is only for a time and soon I am asking God for help because I know I can’t do it on my own.  The pain is too great to go on alone.  Even if I just grab my bible and read a verse or find a bible study or Christian blog online that I can trust it gets my mind off of myself and allows God to work on my heart.

Yesterday I flew back home to Tennessee and I was tired of playing Candy Crush and Jelly Splash on my phone.  🙂  I wanted to read something and couldn’t figure out what to read.  I went to my kindle app and noticed a book that I didn’t remember purchasing.  I started to read it.  I immediately knew that His Spirit led me to this book.  I went out to Amazon to see when I purchased it and it was back in 2011.  It sat in my list for 3 years and I have no idea how it ended up on my device (and not on the cloud) yesterday.  I didn’t have Wi-Fi on the plane so I wouldn’t have been able to download it and it was just ‘there’.  I don’t want to say too much about the book just yet because I haven’t read it all, but it is a study on a woman in the bible that suffered much and how we miss her sufferings as we read the biblical account because we are focused on another aspect of the biblical story.  I can see God working in her life to bring about His plan, but also to bring her joy again.  She didn’t see it at the time of her suffering, but I’m sure she had much joy in the end when she looked back and saw God’s plan.  I have hope today that this is what God is doing in my life.  He is molding me into what He needs to bring about His plan.  I am honored (again) that through my suffering I may glorify Him and be a part of His plan.  Even though sometimes I don’t think He is listening to my prayers and sometimes I feel like He doesn’t care…I need to remind myself that I am a part of His perfect plan.  I’m special and He is allowing this time of suffering for a reason.  He’s being quiet for a reason.   Maybe to allow my heart to mold into what He needs.   I can trust Him.  I will trust Him.

If you are in despair…..cry out to God and tell Him all about it.  It is good to get it out.  I like to talk to God out loud.  Open your bible and ask God to speak to you through His Word.  Ask for friends and family to pray for you.  If you don’t know Him, ask Him to show Himself to you.  He will show up.  I know.  I’ve seen it with my own heart and in my own life.

“Joy comes in the morning.” – Psalm 30:5