Archive | February, 2014

The Hated “M” Word…I am Broken

26 Feb

Don’t ask me why I’m posting this online.  I don’t even know myself other than it helps the grieving process to get things out in the open.  Also, if it stops one person from asking, “how come you and Kevan don’t have kids?”….it will be worth it.

In January, I decided to start using ovulation tests again.  I had never really had a positive one even in the years before cancer so I was pretty happy in January when I got a positive on my ovulation test.  Then, the following week I started getting nauseous and dizzy.  It was awful.  Then, it dawned on Kevan and me that I was pregnant!  We were very excited!  The time for my period came and left…no period!  We were very excited!  I started Pinterest-ing baby things into a secret Pinterest board.  I imagined how we would have fun telling everyone in a unique way.  Our excitement was short lived.  Unfortunately, all tests were coming back negative (home pregnancy test and blood work from the doctor) even though I still did not have my period.

So, we did what every Tech Couple would do….we googled to see if anyone else out there had a negative test but was still pregnant.  We found several hits where that was the case.  We didn’t give up hope.  We still felt like this was our time.  We decided to put our faith in God and not in medicine….He was still going to do a miracle!  We knew it!  One night, I prayed and asked God to give me a dream or a vision.  I needed to know from Him if we would ever have a child.  THAT NIGHT, I had a dream that I was 9 months pregnant.  It was my due date in the dream and a friend of mine went into labor before I did.  My friend and I sat laughing and joking together about our pregnancies.  Then, I woke up.  I immediate knew it was from God, but as the weeks followed I started to doubt that it was just me thinking about being pregnant before I fell asleep and my mind created the dream and not God.  After today, I have no doubt where the dream originated.

Today, I went to have an ultrasound to see what was going on and my oncologist ran some blood work last week.  Kevan and I were still praying for a miracle.  I have never prayed so hard in my life as I have in the last few weeks.  This morning, I stopped by to pick up the blood work on the way to my gynecologist.  It was a mistake to pick it up.  I looked at it in the car and noticed all of them had “M” values.  Yes, menopause.  I broke down in the car and then realized someone wanted my parking space so I had to get myself together.  Then, as I was waiting for my ultrasound I broke down again when I looked over at a couple that was pregnant and had a toddler in tow.  I was called in for the ultrasound and the ultrasound tech revealed that there were no babies “in there” and that everything looked great.  Then, as I reached my doctor’s office I broke down in the waiting room.  Not just a little cry….full on ugly face crying.  There were two women in the waiting room that were very sweet and didn’t know what to do so they asked me if I was okay.  I told them what was going on and they hugged me and told me they would pray for me. It was very sweet.  Then, the nurse saw me ugly crying and asked me to come sit in their office so I could have some privacy.

The doctor confirmed it.  I’m 37 and today I heard the “M” word and was told there isn’t much that can be done.  My very first post on this blog was when I was 36 and found out I had the “C” word.  Here I am, less than 2 years later and I’m already hearing the “M” word.  I have to say that this blog post is more heart breaking to write than the first one.  Of course, as a woman….I knew that menopause would come at some point, but I didn’t know it would be now.  I am broken.

So, the blood work showed I am in FULL BLOWN menopause.  Not pre-menopause.  Full menopause.  My doctor was in shock.  He said he has never seen anyone go from having a cycle (in January) and into full menopause in that short of time.  I guess I’m lucky.  He said we needed to look into adoption or donor eggs and indicated that because of my cancer background there is nothing they can do (since I can’t have hormone treatment).  He also said to stop with the ovulation kits (OBVIOUSLY) because they will continue to be positive during menopause and will only depress me more.  So, this explained why my ovulation tests have been positive lately.

I have SO MANY friends that are pregnant right now.  Before I got to that appointment I knew in my heart that God wanted my child to grow up with their child too and this was His perfect timing.  I knew!  It is amazing what your imagination can come up with when you still hold on to hope.  It has been so hard watching all of my friends announce their pregnancies in the last few months….with their amazing stories of how God worked it out even though they didn’t even want a child right now because they already have children.  Their home pregnancy test showed positive before they even missed a period or a few days after.  Each of them having their own little miracle.  Of course, I rejoice with them and I am so happy that God is blessing them, but I secretly want to run and cry every time I’m told for the first time.  If they only knew the pain in my heart and how hard I was trying to keep a stable voice so I wouldn’t burst into tears at their happy news.  I sit there praying silently in my head, listening to their story and hoping that I make it to the door before I burst into tears.  Luckily, God answered those prayers and I always make it before they could see me ugly cry.  I am not bitter towards them at all…I think it is wonderful, but it makes my pain so much worse during those moments and the days following.   I also know there is no other way to go through the “telling”….they have to tell me…and I don’t want them to feel bad at their exciting news.  I will soon be going to each of their showers and while I am so happy for them…..it breaks my heart a little more each time.

I have also considered giving up Facebook.  Facebook is full of friends and family that are pregnant or recently had babies in the last 6 months.  Of course they are having babies!  It is a part of life.  Just not our life.  Of course people have families!  It is a part of life.  Just not our life.  I don’t want anyone to feel bad about posting family or baby things….but for me to remain sane…I think I’m going to have to give it up.  My heart can’t take much more.

Below are some of the random thoughts going on in my head tonight….please don’t judge…..

I hate that I want to ask God, why me?  I never wanted to when I had cancer.  But….this….I just don’t understand it.  If God is supposed to love me so much…..how can He see His daughter go through this?  She is bawling her eyes out, barely able to function and He’s okay with it?

God has perfect timing.  Why (yes, another why) was my husband out of town the day I found out?  Why wasn’t he here with me so he could help me through this?  But, instead….I’m home alone.  Maybe He did this for Kevan’s sake.  Lol!

I am so embarrassed.  I was the sad barren woman…..and now…..I am the 37-year-old that went into menopause early.

I am the woman that can’t give her husband or in-laws children.  I am so sorry that I am the reason they won’t have them.  I understand a little more of why Sarah gave Hagar to Abraham in the bible.

I know people probably sit and wonder what I have done in my life that God would remove His blessing.  Truthfully, I wonder the same thing.  There are so many things in my mind.  There are so many reasons why he shouldn’t.

I know I don’t deserve all of the blessings God has already given me….but it is hard to not compare myself to some women out there that don’t even want their children and treat them badly…..and those that are not living a godly life at all, but God blesses them.  It doesn’t make sense to my little mind.

Kevan and I have looked into adoption twice and both times it seemed that God had closed the door on it.  What does this mean??  No to adoption too?

Kevan and I have a dream of living on his dad’s farm.  We will never have “little farm hands” to help us or to leave the farm to.  Should we still hold on to that dream?

Kevan is the last male in the Riley line.  So, unless he marries someone else….there will be no more Riley’s.  Breaks my heart.

Please don’t comment about stories of friends that have had a pregnancy after menopause.  Don’t tell me that you know God has a child out there just for us.  You don’t know.  I’ve had too many people “prophesy” or tell us that God is going to give us a child.  You.don’t.know.that!

I am scared to hope.  Those women out there that have hoped and every month they are in despair know how I feel.  I am going to train myself to quit saying, “when I have children” because the truth is…..I might not ever have them.  I’m tired of saying it and dreaming it.  I’m not going to hope in it anymore.  My heart can’t stand it.

What is the proper response for a Christian?  I Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”  Should I rejoice and be thankful?  Honestly, I don’t know how.  I am going to cling to Ecclesiastes 3:4 – to everything there is a season…..”a time to weep”….”a time to mourn”.  I know it is the will of God, but I am broken.

Lastly, I’ve had a few women hear about my news today and offer their eggs to me.  It is VERY sweet of you to offer and amazing that you would do something like that for us.  Seriously, I’m not sure I could even do it for someone if I could.  You are amazing….but….I was thinking about it and it would be weird to know that my child belonged to Kevan and another woman.  Lol!  It would also be sad one day when they are mad at me and say they want to go live with you because you are their “real mom”.  Ouch!  I will have to pray about it.

So…these are the ramblings of a menopausal barren woman.  A woman without hope for a child.  A broken woman.  Careful with your comments please…..I am very fragile.  I am very good at hiding my feelings when I’m with friends and family…even Kevan doesn’t know the despair in my heart….only God does……my heart can’t take much more.

Excuse me while I go delete my private Pinterest boards…..