Archive | December, 2013

Blog Avoidance…

24 Dec

I’ve been staying away from my blog lately.  I think about posts in my mind a lot, but I never sit down to actually type them out.  Part of the reason is that work has been really busy lately.  I’ve been working 50-55 hours per week and once I’m done working I just don’t want to be on my computer.  I’ve been praying work calms down.  It is starting to get to me.  We also had to go to Florida twice in the last few weeks to get our house there wrapped up and everything moved out & cleaned.  It was pretty stressful and our second contract on the house fell through.  We are still praying for a buyer.  I’ve also been in a lot of pain.  Daily pain.  I didn’t want to write a depressing post about how I’ve been feeling.  Who wants to read about that?  With work busyness and my spine/tailbone pain it wouldn’t have been a very happy post.  I’ve been scared my cancer is back and I didn’t want to be a liar by saying I was a survivor when I’m not.   I’m guilty of consulting Dr. Google to find out what my spine/tailbone pain could be….and of course somehow Google always leads me to a cancer diagnoses.  It has consumed me the last few weeks.  The “what if” it’s in my bones, “what if” we don’t know it is there, “I guess I don’t have a future and should stop thinking about having children or building a house”, the craziness goes on and on in my head.  I let my imagination run wild and I know I should just pray about it and know that whatever my future is that God knows and He will be there with me.  But, it’s hard.  I don’t want cancer again.  I am thankful for the journey God brought me through last year.  I’m a different person and I am so grateful to God for that, but deep in my heart I don’t want to go through it again.  It was hard in so many ways.  It was more pain than I’ve ever experienced and it isn’t a place I want to go back to.  I am sorry I feel that way because I know God could work through it again, but I am selfish and ask for Him to work through me in another way.  No more cancer PLEASE God.  My doctor told me that it is normal for a cancer survivor to feel like every little thing is cancer, but it doesn’t make me feel better because I STILL think it.  It doesn’t make me not think it.  I have so many people remind me of their friends who had cancer and a few months or years down the road they found out it was all through their body and they died within a short time.  Why would I be any different?  I am no better than anyone else and I feel guilty begging God to keep me cancer-free when there are so many out there dying.

This past week I had another Oncology check-up.  Kevan was in Michigan for work and I was sure that this spine/tailbone pain was cancer so I asked my mother-in-law to go with me to my appointment.  I prayed for Kevan and that the shock of telling him wouldn’t be too much for him.  I will trust God to get through it again, but it hurts to think I would put Kevan and my loved ones through it again.  I didn’t sleep well all week.  I continued to obsess and read Google for answers.  Why would I go to Google instead of going to God?  Of course, I went to God, but I am ashamed to say I went to Google way more.  I told the Oncologist about  my pain and how, over the last year, it has worsened and is now a daily struggle.  I can’t sit without pain.  Standing even hurts sometimes.  Laying flat is the only thing that relieves the pain.  It is all day every day.  I can’t wait to crawl into bed at night because I know the pain will stop soon.  I told him about my Google searches and my fears.   He told me my blood work looked great.  He didn’t see anything that would indicate my cancer was back, but I told him it wasn’t good enough for me.  I wanted to have a scan and he said he agreed because he wanted us all to be sure nothing was being missed.

I had my PET scan on Thursday. I had to drink the wonderful tasting metallic water (GAG!!!).  Here is a pic of my drinks….it is about 32 ounces of gagging liquid.

drink

Kevan texted me beforehand and told me that God loves me more than I will ever understand and that He would be with us no matter what happened.  I was thankful for his text and it did make me feel a little better.  I went to the scan by myself because it is an almost 3 hour processes and I didn’t want anyone to have to sit there all that time.  Of course, my tailbone/back hurt the entire time.  Even when they put me in the recliner after the injection I was still in pain.  I laid on the PET scan table and prayed.  I asked God for good news, but deep down I just knew this awful pain was cancer.  The doctor told me I wouldn’t hear anything until Monday.  So, I would have to go the whole weekend without knowing the results.  After I left the hospital I headed straight to a drive-thru window (and I got pulled over by a motorcycle cop on the way – which is a pretty funny story, but I will wait for another post to give the details).  As I sat eating my fast food the doctor’s office called.  It had only been about 45 minutes since I left the hospital.  I knew it was bad news since they were calling me so soon.

I answered and heard an excited voice on the other end.  “Jayde, I have good news!”  Thank you Lord I thought in my heart.  He loves me and He has answered my prayers.  Even the doctor’s office was looking forward to my results.  It was so sweet of them to call me so fast.  They have so many patients and they cared for me enough to call me right away.  Such a blessing.  Anyway, she proceeded to tell me that there was no cancer anywhere in my body.  The scan was perfect except for a few ovarian cysts (which are not a cause for concern).  How wonderful.  I cried happy tears.  Then, I called Kevan, my parents and let Kevan’s parents know as well and cried happy tears again.  In just a few seconds everything changed from a dark and dreary outcome to a happy and sunny future.  I need to work on my imagination and not let myself worry so much.  I have been sooooooo happy since Thursday afternoon.  No cancer anywhere in my body.  I don’t have to wonder.  I am still cancer-free.   Praise God He heard my prayers and He was gracious.  I don’t take it for granted.  I know the results could’ve been different and I really do praise God that He has healed me and given me more time with Kev.  It was the best Christmas present.  I’m so thankful for my God and for my Savior.  Life would be very dark and dreary without such a loving God.

Now, it is time to pray about my pain and ask Him to heal that too.  I know He can.