It’s been awhile…..

1 Oct

I guess I’ve ignored my blog long enough. I’m making myself post something. I was talking to Kevan the other day and we were discussing why I haven’t blogged much lately. I think we’ve figured it out. I don’t want to post about feeling bad because I’m cancer-free and everyone wants to hear about how great I’m doing. But, I feel like I’m falling apart and I’m only 37 years old!

In my last post I talked about how bad I was feeling and that my doctor scheduled an ultrasound to figure out why I was having pain and no periods. I was secretly scared that maybe I had cervical cancer. I know. I’m paranoid. I did learn from the oncologist that it is very normal to feel like every little thing is cancer. I hate it. Anyway, I had convinced myself that I was pregnant and that it just wasn’t showing up on a home pregnancy test. I had googled it and there are so many women out there that don’t have a positive pregnancy test for MONTHS so since the internet is so full of truth….I was convinced that this was how God wanted it to happen. That it was going to be some weird surprise. How fun would it be to go have an ultrasound and be told you are pregnant and don’t even know it? (Question – does everyone out there look around and see babies everywhere and are you all amazed at how EVERYONE is pregnant but you? That Facebook is filled up with families and family activities and you are just a “couple”.  Do you ask why God gives babies to people that don’t even want them or won’t take good care of them, but not to a couple that has been praying for it for YEARS.  Or am I the only one that thinks like this?) Kevan couldn’t go with me since he was actually on (in) a plane flying back to TN at the time. So, I went alone and had mentally planned how I was going to tell him when the lady told me she saw a little baby. I was so excited!  During the ultrasound she pretty much told me that there was no “baby” and she didn’t see anything alarming.   It took everything I had to keep from crying.  When I got to the car I bawled my eyes out. I had to drive to meet up with Kevan near the airport and I cried much of the 1.5 hour drive and had to pull over at one point because I could no longer see to drive.  My heart was broken….again. I even told God that this was too hard and to just take my life. That I didn’t want to live anymore. It reminded me of Elijah in the bible (I Kings 19:1-18) after he had defeated the prophets of Baal and then a little while later he was asking God to just take his life.  I was acting crazy just like Elijah.  I totally understand what Hannah went through and I have to say that I am VERY jealous that God gave Hannah the desire of her heart and I’m still waiting. But, I trust my Lord and I know that this is his plan for my life. But it is hard and honestly sometimes I just don’t want the pain of it anymore.  By the time I met up with Kevan that night I was presentable again and I told the Lord I was sorry for my pity party and thanked Him for not listening to me and striking me dead when I asked him to. This Friday will be our 10th wedding anniversary and I never thought in a million years that we would be married this long with no kids. I wanted to be a stay at home mom and homeschool our children, but I am having a hard time imagining it anymore. Friends my age have kids graduating from high school….I’m old.  People always remind me that God says in His Word that He will give us the desires of our heart, but it says only if we “delight in the Lord” (Psalm 37:4). I think I might start a personal bible study on how to delight in the Lord.  Ok….again…..done with my pity party.  lol!

A couple weeks ago I was still feeling sick. I was having a daily fever of 100 degrees, lymph node pain, headaches and abdominal/back pain. I didn’t feel well at all. Then, after 112 days I started my period again. I rejoiced because I can’t get pregnant if I don’t have a period. Then, it was ROUGH. Kevan reminded me that I had prayed for it and God provided it…..along with all of the other symptoms that go along with it. Anyway, once my period started I no longer had a fever and I haven’t had the lymph node pain. Go figure. I guess it was some hormonal thing. So, I’ve been feeling pretty great the last week or so. But, with my period comes the monthly sadness too. But, there is also hope. I know my Lord does miracles and I will continue to pray for a miracle.

Anyway, I just took work off last week and I had a great time with my family in Michigan. It was a very restful week (which I really needed because work is insanely busy right now). First, I got to see my FAVORITE sister (okay, she’s my only sister, but I LOVE HER TONS!). We drove to see one of her college volleyball tournaments.  I miss her so much!!!!!  (Notice my hair is getting pretty long.  I struggled with my bangs in my eyes all week.)

Tasha volleyball

Then, I spent some time in Michigan with my parents.  I visited my brother’s farm a few times, took a bunch of naps, enjoyed my mom and grandma’s yummy food, saw where Kevan works in Michigan and we drove up to a place where we spent many of our summers growing up.  It was beautiful.

View2

Then, we visited a few stores we loved as kids and had some fun remembering old times.  Here is how old I feel and how much weight I sometimes feel I have on me.  If it was really me though I’d have a little kitty and not a doggie in my arms.  🙂

Old

Lastly, I’ll leave you with this.  I love bears, but this one tried to attack me.  He saw my survivor shirt and wanted it for himself.  🙂

bear2

Well, ya’ll have a great night.  Even through the hard days I know God blesses me WAY beyond what I deserve.

5 Responses to “It’s been awhile…..”

  1. Willie October 1, 2013 at 3:07 am #

    Your blog blessed me, if you did not write it for anyone else, it told me that my prayers had not been in vain. God had answered and spared your life, God had answered and given you joy, and there is still the hope that He will answer again and give you a child. I have prayed for three couples to conceive, one has, one has divorced and you are the third. My God has not said “no” he may be saying “wait” or he may be saying “my grace is sufficient”, His will is best but like the woman who worried the King into giving her what she asked for, we will not stop supplication for your situation. God bless and thank you for being the friends that you have been to us. We love you both.

  2. Vickie October 1, 2013 at 10:38 am #

    Praying for you. love you.

  3. Michelle Way October 1, 2013 at 12:43 pm #

    I was so glad the see a new blog post from you because you are so often in my thoughts and prayers. Just the other day I prayed that God would give you and Kevan a child and I will continue to do so. I am so glad to hear that your period has returned and you are feeling better. I know your heart is broken right now and sometimes it feels like it will never get better but I hope it helps to know that people (even some you haven’t even met like me) care about you and are praying for you! 🙂

  4. Pam Mitchell October 1, 2013 at 1:46 pm #

    Thanks so much for your honesty, Jayde. This is such a good reminder for me to continue to pray for you in this area. Love you and miss you both!

    Pam

  5. cmassa1 October 1, 2013 at 3:21 pm #

    You’re such a strong woman – hang in there, Jayde! You will have a family, I know you will – it may not happen the way you think or planned, but we all know someone bigger than all of us has a way of making things happen and we don’t know what it is. Ask Sharon Daniel how I cried in her office the month my fertility doctor told me “it’s not going to happen this month” for the third time when I was 35. And how I got pregnant by surprise with no help at all at 39. My neighbor just adopted her second beautiful baby (the first was from Ethiopia). And no, you are not the only person who tries to have a baby and everyone around you seems pregnant and babies are EVERYWHERE! It will happen for you; I know you have an open mind and heart. P.S. Hormones are AWFUL! I am on the back-end of the childbearing years (entering menopause) and the PMS can be so bad I didn’t even know that’s what it was and thought I had to go to the hospital. Hormones can do that!

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