I’m Not Alone

3 Jul

It is 5am and I’ve been up for about 2 hours.  Kind of ironic since I just posted earlier that I was thankful for how great my nights have been the last few days.  My throat and stomach are on fire.  This is so odd for me because I never have stomach issues.  I could eat anything and would never have indigestion or acid reflux.  Tonight…I am miserable and hurting.  I was sitting here frustrated and thinking, “I’m going to quit chemo.”  Why am I putting my body through this?  This “poison” is wreaking havoc on my whole body.  It is killing the good cells along with the bad cells.  “What if” my stomach never recovers?  “What if” my throat is messed up forever?  “What if” my lips are numb the rest of my life.  So, as I was sitting here feeling sorry for myself God spoke to me….not audibly of course, but in my heart.  He reminded me that  I’m not alone.  I don’t have to rely on doctors!  I have to rely on God!  What a comfort this is to me.  I don’t want to rely on man…who makes mistakes….or may not know exactly how to “fix” my stomach when this is all over.  I just have to rely on God and ask Him to heal me.  He is with me through this.

I was also reminded of how they told us that we may lose our chance to have a baby because I may go into menopause for good, may ruin my eggs, etc.  But, Kevan and I know that if it is God’s will for us to have a child….our own child…that He will work it all out for us.  I have no fear.  So, with the eating issues I’m experiencing since my first treatment….I don’t need to think about the “What Ifs”….because I’m not alone….God is orchestrating this.  What I am going through right now…He knows all about it.  He has allowed it for whatever reason.  I will rely on Him.  He is my Comforter and my Healer.  A couple of days ago I knew this…..but I had forgotten in my suffering….so I needed to be reminded again.  Thank you Lord.  I feel better now….being reminded again that I’m not alone.

3 Responses to “I’m Not Alone”

  1. Anonymous July 3, 2012 at 2:02 pm #

    Jayde, just wanted to encourage you a little here. You're right–this is no BIG thing for God–he's got it for you. He's not up there ringing his hands, thinking "This is terrible–how do I fix THIS problem?" What you did was perfect, just "snuggle" into Him and let Him have it and handle it. It's true that we do sometimes lose our focus during the pain and suffering–there's no doubt that you are having a pretty painful and hard time here, but He IS there, just like you said. In continues love and prayer for you, JOY

  2. Willie Dale July 3, 2012 at 10:24 pm #

    Well said. A testimony for many future occasions. Amen.

  3. Nancy Farrell July 4, 2012 at 12:00 am #

    As my sister in law said" Chemo is an out of body experience". Makes you want to leave your body behind. But, don't get weary dear girl. Each day you persevere is one day closer to being finished with chemo. Praying for you and good, restful sleep tonight. xoxN

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