Feeling Sorry For Myself

24 May
Today was a hard day. I’m weaning off the pain meds, I’m in pain and I’m emotional. I also decided since I had a “fill” yesterday that I would look in the mirror after I took my shower to see how good it looks now. I know. One ounce. In my mind I thought it would make a difference. It didn’t. I felt sorry for myself and then started bawling my eyes out. Kevan came along shortly after and said, “Sweetheart, are we going to have to go through this every time you look in the mirror?”. I guess so. It happens every time. I continued to cry for quite awhile…he told me I was beautiful…I told him that wasn’t true….I look like Frankenstein’s bride and then we both laughed. Then, as usual, he patiently medicated all my “areas” and bandaged me up. 
Kevan told me I needed to go find an emotional Hallmark movie and get all the tears out. Lol! Instead, I fell asleep for about 3 hours. I think it was my longest nap in history. Kevan even checked on me to make sure I was okay. 
I’m in pain. Lots of pain. My house is a wreck and it hurts to even make myself cereal. I’m feeling sorry for myself for that too. I’m sorry that I’m normally happy, in a good mood and okay with everything that is happening, but not today. In my mind today I don’t see the end of the pain, the procedures, the chemo, the final surgery. I knew this day would come when I would become discouraged. It’s here. I can’t see the end.
This doesn’t mean that God is any smaller than he was before. He is still my Comforter….I just need a little more comforting from Him today. He loves me…I don’t doubt it.  He has just ordained a little suffering for me, but he will be with me through it. He has a plan…I need to remember this. It will be a long road. I don’t see the end today.
Praying tomorrow is a better day.

If you are reading my blog let me know.  It will give me some encouragement that there are some out there thinking/praying for me.  I mean….I know there are, but I’d like to hear if you are reading these posts or if I’m just talking to myself.

12 Responses to “Feeling Sorry For Myself”

  1. Anonymous May 24, 2012 at 2:24 am #

    Jayde, it is hard to believe you are 15 days post-op and you are just now having one of "those day." They will come and go; but God is your Comforter and He will be there for you! I hate what you are going through and it might not be much consolation but one day (sooner than later) you WILL look back on this and a strengthness in your faith and one of life's hicups. I love you, hang in there!!Judy

  2. Willie May 24, 2012 at 4:18 am #

    Still reading an looking forward every day to seeing how you are doing.. Hang in there Trooper, Gods got this. Suck it up and Soldier on. We are pulling for you.1SG(R)Bowers

  3. Anonymous May 24, 2012 at 5:50 am #

    You are so so strong. Strong in your faith. I can tell by just reading. No matter what keep your head up. There are going to be hard hard hard hard days and alot of pain but God has a perfect plan! You're beautiful. Never ever doubt that.

  4. Anonymous May 24, 2012 at 10:39 am #

    Jayde, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a difficult time. I have been reading your blog and notice that you are going through a lot of different emotions which is totally normal. We continue to pray for you and in our opinion you are so strong to be going through this. I think a good cry is to be expected from time to time and it helps the emotional healing process. You are a wonderful and beautiful person- inside and out! -Michelle M.

  5. Anonymous May 24, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    Dear Jayde, I have asked the Holy Spirit to give me the best words to say to you, so here goes. The first thing I read on my computer each day is your "Journey" page. It gives all of us a window into your soul (which is Christ-centered) and gives me direction to pray for you. It also frequently provides comic relief. A long time ago a brother in Christ described our bodies as "a spaceship" that we use to travel through life on this earth. YOUR spaceship is BEAUTIFUL–most of us girls wished the "spaceship" looked a little different, of course. Mine needs to have the cellulite sanded out a bit, for example. My husband thinks I'm beautiful as I am–I don't. Thank God for clothes, make-up and jewelry so I can bring my spaceship into line when I need to!!! YOU really don't need ANY of that stuff to be beautiful–you just are. All that being said, there are times when each of us is down–the difference is how long you stay in the "down" times–pain has a lot to do with this. Speaking out, in Jesus' name, that today WILL be a better one than yesterday. Bite off one day at a time–don't look too far ahead to the uncertain times. Claim their certainty and goodness from this time forth, in Jesus' name. Love, JOY

  6. Deborah May 24, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

    It's okay to feel down. Suffering hurts. I don't think God wants us to be happy all the time, He wants us to love Him and trust Him, which you do. He feels everything we feel, so He knows how you are suffering. I'm sure this is making you a deeper, more real person in tune with deep sorrow and joy. What a blessing Kevan is! He's truly living out his vows to you! That's a pretty good picture of Christ and the church there. 🙂

  7. Jackie Colorigh May 24, 2012 at 10:35 pm #

    Jayde,Yes, I read your blog everyday. It is how I keep up with your progress so Tommy or I don't have to email or call Kevan or Judy to find out how you are doing. I have never been faced with what you are dealing with right now but I can assure you that you don't look like Frankenstein's bride. I am sure the reactions you have when you look at yourself in the mirror are typical reactions but regardless of what your physical body looks like, your inner self, your soul and your heart have not been changed. Your spirit and energy for life is amazing!!! As Judy said in her comment, what you are going through will pass. It isn't an easy road but God will see you through it, even on your worse days. As you know life is full of challenges and it is with the strength and courage the Lord blesses us with that gets us through the hard times. Keep your head up, try to stay positive and remember we all love you. Jackie

  8. Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 1:21 am #

    Joy – that was the sweetest post. Thank you for praying for Jayde and for giving her this example. Jayde's Mom

  9. Doug Curtin May 25, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

    We're listening! Continue to blog your journey. It is a blessing to us all and we are praying for you guys!

  10. Anonymous May 25, 2012 at 7:53 pm #

    Jayde I read your blog everytime you post. My heart hurts for you. But you are a child of God and he will see you through. I am so very sympathetic for you, I don't know your exact pain or struggles, but I have had about 12 surgeries from female issues and I know the feeling of not being able to take care of yourself, and the pain, and the depression, and the lack of understanding, and the frustration of depending on others to care for you or turn off the lights or clean the house, etc. I am do very proud of you for your strength. You are such an inspiration to me and to sooooo many others who love you. Praying for you. Tiffany Welcome

  11. Jayde May 25, 2012 at 8:33 pm #

    Thank you Judy. You help me so much. I know I will look back at some point and be glad it is over. lol! I mean, glad I am stronger for it. :o) Love you!


  1. One Year Later – Thank you Lord! | Jayde's Journey - May 9, 2013

    […] of leaving me on the couch for 3 hours knowing I couldn’t get myself up.  lol!  I even felt sorry for myself from time to […]

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