Things floating around in my head…

27 Apr

I’m supposed to journal for therapy.  So, I’m going to journal tonight.  Forgive me if I seem a little emotional today.

I want to write a little bit about what is going on in my head so that later after this is over I can look back and see how God worked it all out.  Also, so I may be able to answer questions that someone going through the same thing might also have.

Unfortunately, I broke down a little and cried for awhile today.  I was by myself so I didn’t subject Kevan to my outburst.  I know it is okay to cry, but I don’t like to if I can help it.  lol!  I’m not sure if it is knowing that I have bilateral breast cancer (cancer in both breasts) or if it is just getting closer to my surgery date and I’m getting scared.  It could also be that I’m just emotional today because I’m a girl and some days we just cry for no reason.  Being a girl is no fun sometimes.  I also made the mistake of “researching” and saw some pictures of “after” photos that I wish I could erase from my brain.  Then, I followed that up by reading about the prognosis of those with bilateral breast cancer and it is not so good.  I haven’t been able to meet with my doctor yet to talk to him about it.  My appointment is Monday morning.  I prayed and Kevan prayed for me too.  I’m feeling a little better.

Questions in my head:

  1. Will I have to have a sentinel node biopsy on both sides now that there is cancer on both sides?
  2. I read (I know…stop researching) that if they have to take lymph nodes out of both sides that I will have to have my blood pressure and blood drawn out of my leg/foot!  REALLY????  Um….no!
  3. What am I going to look like when I wake up from surgery?
  4. What am I going to look like 6 weeks post surgery?
  5. Will Kevan be okay with my new look?
  6. How bad will my scarring be?
  7. Will I have withdrawal from the drugs they give me for pain relief?
  8. How long will I have to take pain meds?  Anyone that knows me knows I HATE taking medication. Even for a headache.
  9. Does my staging change since I have it on both sides?
I had to create a calendar in Word today just so I can keep track of all of my appointments.  I can’t believe how many trips I’m going to have to take to Nashville. I meet with my surgeon again on Monday, followed by the physical therapist.  The PT wants to measure my arms and my range of motion to make sure that post-op I can get back to where I was before.  I’m glad they are so thorough.
Also, Baptist Hospital has a pre-op breast cancer class that we will be attending next Friday.  I’m taking Kevan and my mom with me.  The class will go over what to expect after surgery, how to take care of my drains, exercises and explain any community services that are available.  Afterward, they will even measure me for my free post-op garment that I will wear home (insurance will pay for it!  Blessing!).  I guess it even has pockets to hold my drains.  I can’t wait to have drains.  NOT!  I am dreading it.
I had a very sweet friend call me today from Florida just to pray with me.  She said she doesn’t know why God gave me cancer in both breasts, but she knows that He has a plan and it is a good plan.  I agree.  I know He has a plan and even though I need to go through this and at times it is scary He is with me.  It is comforting to know that I am part of His plan.  Whatever it might be.  2 verses that are giving me comfort tonight.

Jeremiah 29:11 – “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”
Jeremiah 17:14 – Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed; save me and I will be saved, for you are the one I praise.

While I’m typing this…this is what my kitty is doing.  Do you know how hard it is to type when you have a cat laying on one of your arms.  lol!  Isn’t he so sweet?  His name is Partly.  Long story on his name….maybe I’ll go into it in another post.  We took him home from Lowes way back when he was a kitten.  Yup, Lowes, the Home Improvement store.  The guys that worked there helped us catch him.  He had been living under the wood pallets outside.  Now, he is spoiled rotten and pretty chubby.

8 Responses to “Things floating around in my head…”

  1. Indu April 27, 2012 at 1:57 am #

    Hi Jayde!I know we haven't worked together much but I hope you know that ALL of your friends and colleagues from work are rooting for you even if they don't know you so well. You're so brave for going through this with such a positive attitude. My heart goes out to you and you will remain in my thoughts and the thoughts of my family as well. Many warm hugs to you! If you're ok with sharing an address, I'd love to send you a card to cheer you up one day. Stay strong sister!! 🙂 :)Best wishes,Indu (Murali)

  2. Anonymous April 27, 2012 at 3:32 am #

    Hi Jayde, I know you don't want to have these feelings – I know you want to be strong for yourself as well as your family, but it is perfectly OK to have these questions and feelings! I remember all of that – "uncertainty" is one of the hardest things to deal with! You are in good hands – you have our Lord, you have your family and you have the best doctors in Nashville, maybe even the US. So indulge your feelings, cry when you want to and be thankful in that it could always be worse. God does have a plan – just trust!I love you! Judy

  3. Rick Beesley April 27, 2012 at 5:02 am #

    Praying for you every day Jayde. If there is anything I can do to support you guys, or if Kevan needs a guest room some night in Nashville just call. Our house is near 100 Oaks. – Rick

  4. Anonymous April 28, 2012 at 7:58 pm #

    My dearest Jayde, I have had trouble falling asleep a few nights as I wonder just what your spiritual mindset is at this time. Your most recent post gave me a window into what I wanted to find out. I am posting this comment publicly, with so much love, so others can see and understand. It was really very sweet that your friend called to pray with you, but unfortunately there's a misconception that God gave your cancer. There's a great test someone can use in every situation–if it's good, it's from God; if it's bad, it's from the enemy. God never puts sickness on anybody for any reason. He CAN be glorified through how we handle all attacks from the enemy, but he never launches the attack–only the enemy is out to steel, kill, and destroy. Remember, by HIS stripes you WERE healed!!! Without meaning to at all, you are actually embracing the enemy's attack rather than launching an attack against it. I realize that you desire to model for others how a christian woman conducts herself in the Lord in the face of adversity–there's no doubt that your first order of business is your intention to glorify God in everything, and you are so right. One of the last things I do every night before drifting off to sleep is to pray for you in this situation, my sister.

  5. Jayde May 7, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    I am not sure who posted this to me. I want to make sure I respond, because I do not believe what they are stating in their post and want to make sure anyone reading this will know that this is not what I believe. Let me explain. First, your theology sounds like Satan is above Christ (or God) and that he is able to do things outside of God's control. This is not what the bible teaches. Satan may think he has authority, but the ultimate authority comes from God. (Job 2:6) Satan cannot do ANYTHING unless God allows him to. So, let’s say Satan did give me cancer…is it without God’s permission? Of course not. God is Sovereign over all things. Isaiah 45:7 says, “I form the light and create darkness. I bring prosperity and create disaster; I, the LORD, do all these things.” Now, Satan causes much pain in our lives, but he is not ultimate. I believe, ultimately, God allowed me to get cancer whether He himself put it there or allowed Satan to do it. My friend who I was speaking of in my post is blind. She was not born blind. Through her blindness she has become very close to the Lord and such a wonderful prayer warrior. God allowed her blindness for His Glory. Anyway, when she said that God gave me cancer she is being truthful. Because God is Sovereign over all things He is the one that ultimately gave it to me (or allowed me to get it). It passed through His loving hands no matter how the cancer cells appeared.When Miriam sinned in the Old Testament it was God that gave her leprosy (Numbers 12) and it was God that healed her. It was not Satan. I believe that bad things do come from God, but it is "bad" from our perspective, not from His. God allows disease, war, death of loved ones and babies to die (David's son). I want to encourage you to read through your whole bible starting from the Old Testament. I have read the entire Bible (from cover to cover without jumping around) and it is so wonderful to see the whole picture of who God is. Yes, he allows all these things that we in our small minds see as sad and bad, but He is doing all these things for good! (Romans 8:28) Cancer and death can seem so bad and hurtful to us, but God does not have a small mind as we do. There are so many people that I have come into contact with that have said their cancer was “good” or “a gift”. Even I don’t see my cancer as something bad because I know God has a plan in it.In the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve sinned against God it was God that cast them out (not Satan) for their sin and it was God that cursed them. There was no death until they sinned. Now, along with death came sickness, physical weakness and many other things…all due to the fall of man. Satan may have tempted Eve, but it was God that threw them out, cursed them, and brought death (through animal sacrifices and through human death). God knew that Satan was there tempting Eve and He allowed it.In the Old Testament God clearly allows these things. I don't believe that the wars God used to cleanse Israel were of Satan. The people may not have understood it then, but now that we have His Word and read the whole picture we can see how God was cleansing His people. What God permits, He permits for a reason.Now, back to sickness. What do you think of Job 42:11, “They . . . comforted him for all the evil that the Lord had brought upon him.” Being unable to bear children can be considered a sickness (polycystic ovarian syndrome, endometriosis, etc). Do you believe it is Satan that caused their infertility? Or my infertility, for that matter. Of course not, the bible is clear that it is God who opens and closes the womb, not Satan. Continued below…

  6. Jayde May 7, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    Here is a quote by J.C. Ryle – “Sickness helps to remind men of death.” He goes on to explain how we get wrapped up in our lives with business, pleasure, politics, etc. and we forget what we really should be focusing on. God our Father should be our focus. Being sick….having cancer….makes me slow down….think about my death….grow closer to God. I just can’t believe that would be of Satan. Why in the world would Satan want me closer to God?As John Piper quotes in his book, Don’t Waste Your Cancer, “You will waste your cancer if you do not believe it is designed for you by God.” I do believe it was God ordained and I feel good that God ordained it. It doesn’t make me angry or sad at God. How could it? He ordained it specifically for ME! I will take it and I will take it with joy because it is from my Father. Does this mean that it won’t be hard? Of course not. Jesus suffered and died on the cross for His Father….way more suffering than I will ever do and because Jesus did that for me I can joyfully walk through this with Him. What if I die? Then, I will be with Him in heaven….healed, beautiful and with a great singing voice (which I don’t have here on earth). Even if I’m dying I will be rejoicing because my Savior is waiting for me. Kevan and my family here on earth will be in pain, but God has a plan in the midst of their pain and they will find comfort knowing that I’m with Him who died for me and they can pray to Him for help.

  7. Anonymous May 9, 2012 at 3:25 am #

    Jayde, that was awesome – I loved it! Judy

  8. Anonymous May 19, 2012 at 2:52 pm #

    Jayde, your desire to live fully in/for the Lord, is awesome to say the least. I comprehend what you're saying here, but everything that you're standing on is from the Old Testament–before Jesus. They only had the law back then–they didn't have a savior yet. When Jesus died on the cross, he took EVERYTHING on him that EVERYONE would ever experience in this life–that includes sickness, disease, poverty, etc.–so we wouldn't have to. In the New Testament, we were sent a savior to "take it all". Before Christ died, he said "it is finished". That means it was all done and taken care of for us. When we accepted Christ, he have his spirit inside us–we are one with him. We have the same make up as he did–the same power to heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons, etc. We CAN do all these things as we step into these roles in faith. If we are like Christ, do you think that God would have allowed Jesus to walk around with cancer, MS, etc.? Jesus took all our sin, all our disease, all our everything–we don't have to accept any of that. It's the enemy who comes to steal, kill, and destroy (which he has done). God gave us dominion over everything–"it is finished"–WE now have the control according to the New Testament of what we will allow in our lives. Love you, JOY

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